Communication

Posts Tagged ‘Developing’

We have all left conversations and thought “Wow, I don’t think that person knows one more thing about me, but I sure do know a lot about them!”? Walking away from those types of conversations leaves you feeling disconnected, alone and void of any desire to chat with them again any time soon.

On the flip side, a conversation where someone looks you in the eyes as you are talking and asks great questions that make you feel as though they have a genuine interest in you, makes you feel valued, acknowledged, and overall engaged in life. People who use these conversation skills are the kind of people that are sought out. Not because we like to talk about ourselves, but because they make it easy and enjoyable to converse.

So, how do you become a great conversationalist? How do you become a person someone seeks out? It is not hard, it just takes practice and determination and a willingness to put others above yourself..

Here are some tips…

1. Ask questions.

The emphasis in a conversation should be learning more about the other person. Ask a question and “Listen” to the answer. Do not interrupt. Watch them light up as you show them someone cares and hears.

2. Pay attention to the agenda.

Every conversation has one, be it personal or professional. You make small talk, hoping to meet someone new. What you say reflects your goal. But yours isn’t the only agenda on the table. Those you interact with have their own goals. Listen carefully and you’ll identify them. Then, and only then, can the real conversation begin.

3. Listen with your body.

Turn your body toward the other person. Stand or sit in as a relaxed position as possible.

4. Use facial expressions to make them feel comfortable.

As appropriate and as sincerely as possible, smile, tilt your head, look concerned, etc. In other words, don’t stand there granite-faced. Matching the mood of others assures them that you hear what they’re saying, verbally and emotionally.

5. Maintain good eye contact.

Don’t watch people walking by or check your watch. The other person will catch you and know you’re not really listening. Take a break now and then so that your eyes do not bore into them, but stay focused.

I have long been an observer of people, and whenever I get the opportunity I also eavesdrop on their conversations. So if you see me hanging out in a coffee shop at the table next to you, be prepared for me to listen in!

One of the things I love to listen to is how people just don’t listen to each other. They talk at, over and around each other but miss the deep in-the-moment opportunities which cement and advance relationships.

I have noticed also when I am facilitating groups that when one person speaks and adds great value to a subject often the person who could have gained most from the information cuts through and completely misses what was being said. And in that moment misses a huge opportunity to learn and grow.

Listen.

This seems so obvious and simple, and is the hardest thing we do. When you are being spoken to; listen with your ears, your eyes and your intuition.

What are the words being said? What are the words not being said? When does the other person hesitate? When does their tone of voice change? What are they wanting to communicate to you and struggling with?

I had a conversation with a coaching client who briefly diverged onto another topic. Her face lit up as she spoke on the new topic, her skin seemed lighter, and her eyes sparkled. Then she came back to the original subject, her voice tone and energy dropped, her skin went dull and her eyes seemed bleak and resigned. In listening to her; I heard something more than the words, I heard her call for help. I was able to remark on the changes I saw, and ask what was going on. Our conversation then shifted to what she really needed and to a solution, simply because I was listening deeply to her.

When you listen, are you looking at the person? Are you seeing the whole or simply the parts? What are they saying to you beyond the words?

Practice deep listening; see what a difference it makes to your conversation.

They say men are from Mars and women are from Venus – and sometimes it really does feel like we’re speaking two different languages! All couples will run into a communication problem or two, whether it’s nagging or the constant “he said, she said” that can plague a relationship. But can men and women really communicate effectively with each other? Or are they too different to ever see eye to eye? Good communication is possible, but it takes effort. Read on for more tips on handling your communication crises:

First, good communication most often arises from two parties that are actively seeking a mutually beneficial solution in an emotion-free environment. Do you see the problem here? The times when we need good communication the most are when we’re in heated arguments, battling over who’s right and who’s wrong!

When an argument gets heated, it’s easy to say things we don’t really mean in an effort to prove our points. In fact, did you know that in these situations, your IQ can drop by as much as 20 points? Your brain shifts from using its logical reasoning to a type of fight or flight response designed to deal with this type of stress. You may notice physiological symptoms like sweating, flushed cheeks and rapid heartbeat that indicate you’ve passed from a logical frame of mind into an emotional, reactive mindset.

Recognizing these symptoms is a key step in regaining control of the communication process. If you notice yourself becoming more and more emotional, you might want to ask your partner for a brief time-out so that you don’t say or do something you don’t mean and will later regret. Restart the conversation only when you feel you’ve calmed down enough to speak rationally.

Or – if you’re able to – use these physiological effects as a cue to get back on track. Try to figure out what’s really bothering you and express that clearly to your partner. Remember to always use “I” statements in your conversations. Statements like, “You never want to spend time with me,” or “You don’t help out enough around the house,” are loaded with blame and will only send the conversation back to the emotionally-charged realm.

Finally, remember that it’s hard to have an earnest, rational conversation when you’re bombarded by external distractions. Don’t try to have an important conversation in a busy public place or in front of the television at night. Give your partner your full attention during the discussion out of respect for his or her feelings. You’ll also be better able to pick up on little cues like posture and intonation that demonstrate how your partner is really feeling.

Men and women may never see eye to eye when it comes to communication. After all, we have some pretty distinct differences that often get in the way of being open and honest with one another. However, developing good communication skills is an essential part of building solid relationships and it can be done. So pick up that guide to Martian or that Venusian dictionary, dive in and get ready to reap the rewards of good communication.