Communication

Posts Tagged ‘Couples’

Relationship communication is a common problem among couples, regardless of status. Dating couples often experienced a lot of communication relationships relationship problems involve relationships because people do not want to listen. Most men I've met want women to listen to them especially when they talk about relationship problems. They just want the woman to make the adjustments. Then put a dot at the end of their sentence – and voila!

ThisThe scene could be the worst nightmare of every woman. Communication without really listening, for the most part, the man's side, is very frustrating and annoying. This is especially true if the dispute is not settled yet and he did not want to talk anymore. Communication problems emerged in relations men's reluctance to resolve relationship problems. They were just save enough, prefer to speak to other issues, and the next thing you know, back problem. MenHate drama, drama misogynist too. The only big difference is that women prefer to talk and communicate problems in the relationship before it deteriorates. Men prefer to shut up and talk about the problems in the relationship when it is already in its worst condition.

If you're talking about relationship problems, men should really sit down and talk to solve problems in the relationship. The best thing to do woman stop talking about problems in the relationship is really talk and settle the problem between youAnd it is. I'm not talking about making crazy or driving men crazy with those of a woman blah blah. What I want to emphasize in this discussion, is simply to listen and communicate problems in the relationship. Communication problem in the relationship is very common among dating couples that most ordinary men early behavioral response to the debate is to close their minds so that they find it difficult to even hear the facts and see the discussion in the perspective of women.

Why is communication in relationships so difficult?

Melissa: When Joe goes away on business trips, he doesn’t understand that I need him to keep in touch. He’ll call once at night, if he’s not out with co-workers. He’s so insensitive and gets angry at me for feeling this way.

Joe: She can’t cope with being alone. It makes me feel smothered. When I’m in meetings all day and networking at night, it’s hard to call. Why is she so insecure?

Melissa and Joe have the same argument every time Joe goes away on business. This couple is in what we term a Chronic Communication Circle – going in circles without a solution.

Why do couples get stuck this way?

Though the communication process seems straight forward, communicating effectively is more complicated than it appears.

As Melissa discusses issues with Joe, she translates her thoughts into words influence by her unconscious and also by her life experience, beliefs and even Gender; with her feelings for Joe. Her body language, gestures and tone to create a platform that provides the words.

Joe decodes the words, influenced by his unconscious, as well as the capture of Melissa's body language, gestures and tone.

Thanks to all that, there are actually three conversations going at once.

One plus one equals three – calls, that is

How to exchange, between two people, is three conversations?

SpokenConversation

The first conversation is comprised of words spoken – what you hear on the surface. Melissa asks Joe to call more. This makes Joe feel smothered. At this level, you might think Melissa is being unreasonable – or, why can’t Joe just call more?

The Hidden Conversation

What if we told you Melissa and Joe’s relationship began as an affair at work while Joe was married to Kathy?

Even though Melissa has no evidence that Joe would be unfaithful to her, their own relationship began at the office, and Joe cheated on his first wife.

This is the Hidden Conversation – unspoken and under the surface. They may be aware of it, but it’s silent.

The Unconscious Conversation

If we look deeper, we realize that there is still more than meets the eye – the “conscious eye” that is.

Much happens just below our consciousness when we talk. Some of it so deep, we may not even recognize it as ours.

This is the Unconscious Conversation. It’s a mental echo of our past – the baggage we carry.

Let us now share that Melissa’s father had affairs. Her mother stayed, despite being unhappy. When Melissa was 12, her father left for another woman and she seldom saw him after that. Today, their relationship continues, at best superficially.

Joe’s parents also separated. As the oldest child, his mother depended on him to help take care of his siblings. She also depended on him for emotional support. She confided in him as if he was her equal.

And that’s how one exchange between two people can equal three conversations: the Spoken, Hidden and Unconscious.*

If Joe and Melissa address their issue only on the spoken level, chances are they’ll stay stuck. They’ll blame and try to prove the other wrong to justify their own viewpoints.

So, how do couples break free from the Chronic Communication Circle?

Simple. They access the Hidden and Unconscious by having a FOURTH conversation. The one that is So desperately needs.

Lost call

The Lost conversation beyond the spoken word, deep into the conflict seek understanding and meaning. Here, right and wrong there is no place like the partner's perceptions are always "right."

The Lost conversation shifts the conflict between anger and respect the intimacy, and curiosity as partners to express their deepest feelings and share their histories, as they verify each other's perceptions to be more curious about whatlies beneath the surface of each other’s words.

When partners dive deep like this and seek to understand, finding a solution becomes easy.

So, how do couples (just like you) achieve this meaningful level of communication?

Begin by setting the stage to work as a team. Agree to:

1) Be respectful. If anger enters, break, cool off and come back.

2) Forgo assigning blame; right/wrong.

3) Look for understanding by getting curious about your partner’s perspective.

4) Validate each other’s feelings and thoughts. Not necessarily agreeing, but understanding.

5) Express hidden thoughts behind your spoken words.

6) Reach into the past and ask if the current situation is connected – especially if your response is very intense. And then “own” your reaction/history and share it.

When you both truly understand each other’s perceptions, then, and only then, problem-solve.

This sounds like a tall order, but the rewards are Without limit! When you're able to "find" Lost * call, you will not only communicate better, but you will need to be more intimate. You're one will feel heard, understood and loved – more deeply than ever before.

I can start by saying the three errors are: communication, communication, communication! But really, it's still more. There are more than one way to communicate. You can communicate nonverbally, for example. You can also communicate by preventing information – lack of communication. Finally, you can communicate by your attitude toward your partner.

1. Nonverbal communication. When your partner comes home, you greet himOr her with a hug and a kiss, or do you ignore them? When your partner raises the favorite hobby or tell a joke back at the party, you roll your eyes? They arms folded defensively when your partner asks you a question? You clown finger of his or her face, when you want to make the point? Pay attention to your body language when you are with your partner. Try to sit quietly, hands open except on the knees, showing that you are willing to accept your partner's words. AvoidFrom making verbal "comments" with your facial expressions. Use a soft touch to get attention of the partner rather than a hasty, "Hey, you!" It may take your partner time to notice a change, but once he or she will react differently to you. You can even realize that you love each other more than you thought.

2. Prevention information. Everyone has the right to privacy, but failure to disclose important information is not fair. Good relationship can be earned.Did you forget to pay the property taxes and fail to tell your spouse? You said yes beer poker night without letting your partner know until 15 minutes before you were ready to walk out the door tonight? Or, is there more important things that you shared, things that may help your partner understand you better? Disappointments, losses, and failures are part of who you are. When you leave the couple guesses why you upset or calm, your partner beginsBlame him or herself. At the very least, let your partner know that you have certain difficulties private that you struggled, and that they are not guilty. Large or small, to communicate the things you affect your own partner and an important social good relationship.

3. Ratio. Does your partner access to his or her interests in heart? Sometimes partners become enemies unconscious. They expect the couple to be harmful, and they in turn become Defensive unloving. When you believe that your partner is your friend, it's much easier to communicate without tension or resolve conflicts without destructive arguing. There, attentive warm attitude toward your partner, look your best, and expect your partner to treat you the same will go a long way toward creating an atmosphere of intimacy, where honest communication can take place.

These mistakes couples make – using verbal hostilityCommunications>, prevention information, and have an attitude of expecting the worst – they are sometimes difficult to identify. Choose one area to pay attention. Pay attention to what triggers negative actions or thoughts. Then do your best to behave in a manner that makes you feel better about yourself and your partner. Delicate issues such change can be difficult, but consideration will make it well worth the effort.

1. If you want to communicate better, be a better listener. This means listening without comment and without discretion. When your partner shares, you are viewing innermost feelings of the partner and the emotions. These feelings are neither good nor bad. This is exactly how your partner feels. You do not have to agree.

But, the first step is to listen to effective communication and understanding that your partner feels that way. Good communication is not just a relationshipTwo people talk to each other. It's also two people listen.

2. When your partner is sharing a belief, opinion, or emotion, it's his feeling. Is entitled to it, it's his. Tell him he's wrong does not work and makes people defend their positions. Do you remember your reaction the last time, when your partner that you said was wrong? It works exactly the opposite direction. Remember that understanding and acceptance that your partner has these feelings does not mean you agree withthem.

3. Being a successful couple is not a win-lose game where one person has to give in. Being in a successful relationship means that neither of you is completely right, nor completely wrong. Successful communication between you and your partner may help you find a third alternative where you can both live happily. Example: you hate Chinese food; he hates Mexican food. You could argue forever until one person gives in and is miserable throughout the meal. Or, you could go to an Italian restaurant you both like.

Two small tips: 1) do not give up too quickly – often have to talk about the problem for a few minutes before you find common ground. 2) do not always give to keep the peace, if you always give up and let your partner decide, it will one day result that "I've had to give you all the decisions!" Type of line.

4. Learn the third approach – a step to resolve the differences in your relationship:

1. Wordsbehavior that is causing you a problem

2. Explain how the behavior is creating a problem for you

3. Request that your partner do something to change the situation. Notice that I did not say correct the behavior. Correcting implies that the behavior was wrong. You don’t need to make the behavior wrong. You just want the behavior to change.

5. Finally, never say no to your partner’s request. Not for money, not for help around the house, not even for sex. Your answer should be Or "Yes", or you need to do a counter. Your partner can then counter your counter. Counter to continue until both partners have a solution that they can live with.

This is another example of finding a third way. This process will strengthen your relationship. When you say "No", You make painful feelings of rejection. Saying "No" is also off to the media future. Your partner will start to think "I did not ask her any more, because the answer is alwaysNo. "

After all, that's what marriage is all about: meshing ever, thoughtful, and negotiations between two individuals trying to act as a couple. If you do not want everything your way, you should stay single. Remember, when it comes to your relationship, it's not my way, it's not his way, it's our way. Always find a third way – that's the common denominator that you can both be happy.

"Talk about anything."

Andrea relationship advice is to read a magazine recently. She laughed out loud read the proposal, because some do not want to leave nothing was said between them.

It looks like, her marriage, there are many topics that Andrea had learned to shut up the environment with its guns. He has a tender ego and Andrea mentions something a bit critical of him, seemed to touchSadness and Robbie huffs around and refuses to talk to her for a while.

It's unfortunate that now Andrea keeps a lot of herself.

There are so many things she wants to say Robbie – Things to really bug her because she wants to get out into the open – but she did not want to pay the price should be around his sullen and silent seething.

Andrea's estimation, talking about everything with your friend, simply does not work. In itThis experience has only brought about more stress.

Your own loving relationship or marriage, may have a similar experience as Andrea.

You found the courage to tell something your partner is difficult – perhaps something he or she does not want to hear. As a result, your partner could be shut down and shut you. Alternatively, he or she may be turned on you.

Ultimately, your openness and absolute honesty might not seem to bring you two closerTogether.

How to say what's on your mind and your partner does not drive away …
The point here is not just throwing up the judicial review that you have on your partner, your relationship or anything else. This may be open, but it does not contribute to link more connected.

What you want to do is think before you speak. We know, maybe you heard this advice since you were a child.

But are you really doing this?

Look at that, becauseYou mean to get the most important part of the message.

You can communicate your desire to spend more quality time with your partner by saying, "I'd like to set aside part of the fun we have an intimate one week time. When will be available for this?" It will set you on what you want.

Alternatively, you might say to your spouse, "You never spend more to me. Why are you neglecting me?" It will probably make him or her feel defensive orangry.

So, when you talk about anything and everything, do so in ways that help you both stay open. You can choose words that will move you two closer together– as you are also being honest about how you really feel.

Should there be topics that are just “off limits?”

Even if you and your partner have agreed to disagree about a particular issue, you don’t necessarily need to ban the subject completely.

You might not want to re-hash the same points and debate anew This issue every day.

At the same time, if you try to couple to pretend that this problem does not exist, and you tiptoe around each other all the time, chances are, you also noticed that the more controversy otherwise you will be.

It would seem important as you grow your partner without success trying to prevent it.

Another tactic is to get it, at this point, you both have different opinions on this particular subject. Come a few agreements, compromisesMaybe that allow you to move forward with your life.

Do not try to persuade it to keep it, because "your way" is correct. Instead, acknowledge that both are entitled to how you perceive the situation and continue to love and respect each other, because you are also coming.

Again, the way you talk about these points of disagreement can make all the difference.

How well do you and your boyfriend communicate with each other? The lack of good communication can be one of the big problems with relationships. A couple needs to be able to tell each other their feelings and have good open discussions. If one of them has a problem with the other it would be best to talk it over and get it out of the way instead of letting the issue simmer and getting worse.

Holding back an opinion or your anger over something concerning your partner will never get resolved and your relationship can suffer because you never bring it to their attention. They think all is well because they have not been told otherwise so they continue on the same course like everything is just fine.

You may find that your partner would be happy to be told of some issue you have if you presented it to them in the correct manner. If you tell them with an attitude they may resent you somewhat but in the end will get over it. Just the same tell them nicely.

Many relationships have ended because the couple lacked good communication skills between them. They also suffered from misunderstandings and jealousy over wrong info they may have. Someone can jump the gun and accuse the other of something without having the facts to back it up and they may be wrong.

So why not make your relationship strong by learning to communicate with your partner. Get to know them and maybe you will learn a little more about yourself in the process.

Do you, like many people, assume that if your relationship is running on autopilot everything is going fine? Just because your day-to-day routines seem to be going along without conflict doesn’t mean that you have good communication. In fact, not paying attention–not communicating–is more likely to cause conflict than pretending that all is well. Here are six secrets to better communication between partners.

1. Set aside a regular time to talk about what is going on in your life at the moment. Two to three times a week is good, but daily is even better. Start your conversation on a positive note by mentioning something that is going well in your relationship. For example, perhaps you were able to make a difficult decision without arguing. Then let your partner do the same. This helps remind the two of you why you are together. After that, you can let your partner know what it is that you would like to work on, and ask for your partner’s cooperation. At first, this may take a good 30 minutes or so, but after awhile your discussions should take less time as you handle the things that need attention on a regular basis.

2. Avoid aggression when you communicate. Aggression means putting your partner down, raising your voice, using sarcasm, or making unkind remarks. It also means that you think you are superior to your partner–what kind of cooperation are you expecting to get from acting like that?

3. Avoid being passive, too. That means when your partner wants to discuss something, you don’t cross your arms and pout, turn your head or look away, or leave the room. Send an SOS to your inner adult and ask your adult to be present for discussion. Use deep breathing to calm down if any sort of conflict tends to make you nervous. (Say, using deep breathing is good advice for calming down if you are becoming overly aggressive, too!)

4. Pretend you are in customer service when your partner has a complaint. Maybe your partner has a legitimate reason to come to you and ask for change. Listen as though you are being called upon to help your partner, not as though you are being criticized or attacked. Then start working on ways to make your “customer” happier by problem solving some ways that you can both get what you want or need.

5. Make it be okay to talk about things at a later time or date. Just because you cannot handle the anxiety of holding onto a problem doesn’t mean that you should force your partner to talk about something right away. Ask your partner if he or she is willing to talk about a particular topic at the moment, or if there is a better time. Chances are you will have a more productive conversation.

6. Don’t talk a topic into the ground. Sometimes you will need more information before you can resolve a conflict. Sometimes you need to take a break so that the brain can process what is going on. Creative problem solving usually takes place when the mind has a chance to rest. Make it okay to disagree about something, but agree to think about it and discuss it again at some other time.

The basic secret of good communication is to speak to one another as adults. You wouldn’t call a friend or co-worker terrible names if they had a difference of opinion, must less a stranger. You are two different people and neither of you is an authority on reality. Don’t be afraid of conflict; conflict signals an opportunity for growth. With practice, good communication can lead to true peace, not just avoidance of much-needed discussion. Good communication is at the core of creating a feeling of intimacy and trust.

When quality, unrestricted, and thorough couple’s communication occurs it can literally transform a relationship. Concerns become know and answers are identified. Problems are discussed and solutions are determined. Desires are expressed and plans are created. Through quality communication, a relationship can improve significantly almost immediately. When couple’s communication is poor problems can snowball into the size of the iceberg that sank the Titanic! The method I am about to present to you can melt the ice that is causing your relationship to sink.

Understanding the Process

The surest way to have productive, non-confrontational communication with your partner is to do it in writing. This might sound strange or cumbersome at first, but as you read further you might come to see its value and potential.

The written word is the purest form of communication, because you are allowed to select your words as carefully as you wish without being rushed or influenced by the presence of the recipient. Then, when the recipient receives it, they are required to read and consider every word in order to get the meaning. This requires their full attention and patience. The result is a much purer transfer of thoughts with no opportunity to strike back immediately without thinking. This is the magic of this communication method.

Here is the process for this non-confrontational couple’s communication method. Start by writing down all your thoughts, concerns, and desires on paper. In other words, do an “appraisal” of your partner and relationship. Your partner should do the same. It is important that you do this activity in separate rooms or locations. This step may take a several hours or days. The next step is to exchange them, BUT read them in separate rooms or locations as well. The reasons for separation will become clear to you in the end. This next part is crucial. You must agree NOT to get back together to discuss them until any anger has dissipated, and your minds have returned to a clear and relaxed state. This may take several hours, days, or even a week or more. In addition, you must agree not to consume any alcohol or drugs during any part of the couple’s communication process. Next we’ll get into further detail on how to do your appraisal.

Appraising Your Partner & Relationship

In order for your couple’s communication appraisal to be complete, you need to start by making a list of all the possible areas that you want to consider. You might create this list with your partner, but do not have any discussions. Just create the list. Categories might include attitude, social, money, appearance, disagreements, sex, responsibilities, and dreams.

You might start the evaluation process by rating each category using words like excellent, good, or needs improvement. Follow this by adding comments to clarify your rating, offer ways to improve, or convey compliments. Also, be sure to include your personal needs, desires, and dreams in the appraisal or on a separate piece of paper.

Here are some thoughts to consider as you proceed with the appraisal. The purpose of this couple’s communication process is twofold: To give you the opportunity to evaluate the health your relationship and to provide your partner with feedback that they can use to improve themselves and your relationship. The goal is to perform an appraisal that is honest, compassionate, and free of any self-serving behavior.

Examining Each Others Appraisal

Here are some thoughts to consider before you go into your private session to examine the appraisal your partner completed on you.

First, get yourself into a mindset of looking at this activity as an extraordinary opportunity to gain self-awareness. This will require courage, the courage to face criticism directly, and evaluate it objectively without becoming defensive.

Keep in mind that what is written about you is your partner’s true feelings. Therefore, they are not arguable. You may be able to challenge some of the facts, but you cannot challenge their feelings because they are their actual perceptions.

Your focus should be on gaining understanding of their evaluation of you, and how they came to those conclusions. This will require that you put yourself in their place. Becoming defensive is not productive for your own benefit or that of the relationship.

The information contained in the appraisal holds the key to unlocking the treasure chest of gifts that your partner is capable of giving to the one they love. Do not under estimate is value!

Meeting for Enlightenment & Resolution

The final step in the couple’s communication process is to meet with your partner to discuss your appraisals. As mentioned before, it is imperative that you do not have this meeting until both partners are calm and clear-headed. Again, no alcohol or drugs are allowed during any part of the couple’s communication process.

The meeting that you will have with your partner is the most significant part of this entire process. In fact, it could produce some of the most profound communication of your entire relationship. Or even, perhaps, any relationship you have ever had!

The attitude that you take into this meeting needs to be consistent with your expectations of what you want to get out of it. In other words, if you want your partner to be open to what you put in their appraisal, you need to be open as well. If you want them to show a willingness to change, you must be willing too. If you want them to have an interest in your dreams, you must present your interest in theirs. If you want them to be responsive to your needs, you must be ready to do the same.

As you discover solutions, create plans, and identify objectives write them down as goals. Use the three (3) basic steps of goal setting, which is defining what we want to accomplish, committing to a date to have it done, and determining the steps needed to get there. Don’t miss out on this opportunity to make some real satisfying change in your self, your partner, and your relationship.

As a review, here are the three (3) steps of the couple’s communication process.

1. Appraise Your Partner & Relationship (Privately)

2. Examine Each Other’s Appraisal (Privately)

3. Meet for Enlightenment & Resolution (Together)

If you’re not sure whether your partner will participate, doing it yourself will help you with whatever issue you are facing and may encourage them to join in later. If you wanted to further inspire your partner, you could give them the completed appraisal that you did on them along with your list of needs, desires, and dreams. This would definitely spark their interest!

You can go about completing this couple’s communication process in many ways. One of the best is to get creative and turn it into a private retreat-like activity. You might even consider splitting the three (3) steps into separate weekends and/or evenings. You might also setup a reward to give yourselves at the end like a special dinner out or an overnight stay at a nice hotel.

If you really want to make it a special event, conduct the activity during a vacation or weekend getaway at a resort! Even going to a hotel near your home would be good. Go through the process during the first 1-3 days and then enjoy yourselves the rest of the time. Getting out of your normal routine and environment might create the conditions you need for a breakthrough!

That’s it. Go try it!

It is amazing how some couples meet, click immediately and come together with little difficulty while others seem to be like water and oil from the onset. Conflicting opinions and occasional disagreements are to be expected in a relationship. Two people with different upbringings are going to have different perceptions, values and opinions. When does conflict and disagreement go from being a healthy means of maintaining an individuality of oneself to becoming detrimental to a relationship? How does you know when it is time to admit that the enlisting the help of an outside person, such as a therapist, is beneficial?

First, take a look at the way you or your partner express yourselves when you have a difference of opinion:

oIs there perpetual blaming and fingerpointing?

Blaming is a defense mechanism that many people use when they feel attacked as a means to emotionally protect themselves. Actually, blaming is a way to deflect hurtful feelings.

oDo your voices get louder as a way to get yourself heard?

As defenses rise, so does volume and intonation. The irony is that no one listens when voices are raised.

oDo past problems get drudged up in your current arguments?

The past does not have to be evidence of current or future problems. The past cannot be altered. Learning from the past is important, but in the heat of conflict, are you really trying to learn from the past? Or are you trying to use the past to make a case as to who’s right or wrong?

oDo emotions run high?

Irrational emotions are the result of irrational thoughts.

oDo you return to unresolved issues or once the conversation is over, there is no further discussion about the problem?

Tabling emotionally-charged conversations from time to time is healthy, as it gives each person an opportunity to calm down and recollect their thoughts. However, if you never return to the issue then it is never resolved, which is unproductive.

If you said “yes” to a number of these questions, now is the time to consider couples counseling. These unhealthy communication patterns can stifle the growth potential within a relationship.

So how is therapy going to help?

Therapy provides an opportunity to allow a trained, neutral, outside person to observe communication patterns and recognize environmental influences. In turn, a therapist provides couples with new tools to open up healthy communication patterns and increase positive interactions. Therapy also helps couples express their needs, respect differences and embrace similarities. So if you find that you feel unheard, have difficulty expressing yourself or feel like the only way to get your partner to hear you is with strong emotions, you may want to consider therapy. Healthy communication is the first step to a healthy relationship.

We all tend to operate in a comfort zone or habitual manner. Certain ways of being and interacting with others feel safe to us and so that’s how we tend to live our lives. This is especially so when it comes to couples. There’s nothing wrong with having a comfort zone. However, when you and your partner are stuck in habits that don’t allow you to be as close and connected as you could be, your comfort zones are a place to look to for expansion.

It is at the edge of your habitual ways of being that change can happen. The difference could be communicating with one another in the usual manner often tinged with hesitation, fear and even anger or communicating with a sense of openness and growing connection.

You and your partner probably have your own ways of communicating that you’ve each been practicing for a long time. If you find that you don’t speak honestly and openly with one another-and perhaps even fear the other’s reaction-then you’re probably stuck in a disconnecting pattern.

Ted considers himself a strong, yet gentle, man. He’s always considered himself a sensitive kind of guy who tunes in to what the woman in his life wants. This seems to have worked well-until now. Ted’s been with Kate for a year and loves her deeply. They recently moved in together, but this change in their relationship has brought new tensions. Kate likes to know Ted’s schedule and gets irritated when he doesn’t share with her when he’ll be home and what he’ll be doing while away. Frankly, it’s starting to get on Ted’s nerves but he just doesn’t know how to bring up how he feels without sending Kate into a tirade. Ted’s perceptions of women are that you keep them happy no matter what or you’ll pay. To avoid conflict, Ted has become more and more evasive about his schedule and yesterday he even lied about dinner plans so that he could just get out by himself and clear his head.

Know your zone

In a relationship, it may seem clear to you what the other person is doing and what he or she needs to do differently so that things can get better. As clear and logical as this may appear to you, it’s probably not going to happen. Ted can wait around forever in his usual ways of communicating (or avoiding conflict in his case) and not only will Kate probably not change, but their relationship will likely become more and more disconnected. Another option is for Ted to look within himself and get to know his communication comfort zone.

Ted might notice that he’ll do just about anything to avoid upsetting his mate-even if it means being dishonest and withdrawing. He may have had past experiences that reinforce this pattern, but chances are he’s just become accustomed to communicating in this way. Step back and observe what you tend to do in a particular situation. Do you tend to lash out before listening? Is it your habit to bottle up how you feel so you don’t upset your partner? Neither of these tendencies is enjoyable to experience, but they are in your comfort zone because it’s the way you tend to communicate– almost without thinking about it. To do otherwise, might even feel foreign, wrong, or scary to you.

Find your edge

Now that you have a clearer view of how you tend to communicate, you can more easily find your edge. First we encourage you to take a deep breath and be gentle with yourself. If you begin to judge your habits as bad or the “cause” of your relationship problems, you will only become more stuck in the disconnection!

Try this visualization… Close your eyes and picture yourself standing in a literal circle drawn on the ground. See yourself standing firmly within the circle and your partner standing in his or her own circle away from you. Your circle is your comfort zone. Ted’s circle is all about keeping the peace at any cost. Now see yourself calmly walking to the edge of that circle. In your mind, simply take a step outside the circle, closer to your partner. For Ted, this step feels like sharing with Kate that he wants more private time.

As you find your edge in your mind, you can more easily find it in your actions and relationship. Rather than making up a reason, Ted can start by honestly telling Kate he wants to have some time by himself. Kate may surprise him by not reacting angrily. They each could begin to share with one another their needs in this new phase of the relationship. Perhaps Ted will learn more about why Kate seems controlling as he opens up to her by sharing and listening.

Stepping outside your comfort zone may seem downright terrifying as you stand in the place of what you’ve always done. We encourage you to take just one step beyond your edge and experience how good it can feel to expand into love and connection.