Communication

Posts Tagged ‘Avoiding’

Our world is noisy and busy. Kids, television and all the noise and distractions of the world really keep us from focusing on the real priorities in life. In relationships, it is so easy to forget to nurture one another and before you know it, years have gone by and you are married to a complete stranger!

Relationships take effort. Just as you have to make an effort to go out to work or clean the house or do whatever it is that you need to do, you need to make an effort to keep your Relationship with your significant other fun and exciting! When two people first get together in love, they want to be together all the time! Then what happens? It's okay, that part of the excitement wears off (this is normal) and love matures, however, people then go completely opposite direction and looked more like strangers, or worse – enemies! You still need to strive to be best friends and loved ones. Will continue to learn more about your partner and focus on him / herEvery day.

Take the time to be alone, without children, television housework. Focus on your significant other. Be sure to do so when you both feel up to that time. Set your priorities to make the effort. Your children will enjoy your marriage has improved too!

Here are some questions to start you on your media campaign, on Saturday night (there is no time like the present) with your significant other and use these questions to startdialog:

1) Do you have a favorite movie? Actor? Actress? Comedy? Drama?

2) If you could create the perfect job and get paid well for it, what would it be?

3) What are you most fearful of? How does the fear keep you from doing things you would like to do?

4) What things about me remind you of anyone from your past, either past sweethearts or good friends?

Get started and make the time and effort. There is so much to be gained from it and absolutely nothing to Lose.

Our world is noisy and busy. Kids, television and all the noise and distractions of the world really keep us from focusing on the real priorities in life. In relationships, it is so easy to forget to nurture one another and before you know it, years have gone by and you are married to a complete stranger!

Relationships take effort. Just as you have to make an effort to go out to work or clean the house or do whatever it is that you need to do, you need to make an effort to keep your relationship with your significant other fun and exciting! When two people first get together and fall in love, they want to be together all the time! Then what happens? It’s okay that some of the excitement wears off (that’s normal) and the love matures, however, people then go completely in the opposite direction and seem more like strangers or worse yet–enemies! You should still strive to be best friends and lovers. Keep learning more about your partner and focus on him/her everyday.

Set aside time to be alone without the kids, television and housework. Focus on your significant other. Be sure to do it when you both feel up to it and have the time. Set your priorities and make the effort. Your kids will benefit from your improved marriage too!

Here are a few questions, to start you off on your communication journey, sit down TONIGHT (there is no time like the present) with your significant other and use these questions to start a dialog:

1) Do you have a favorite movie? Actor? Actress? Comedy? Drama?

2) If you could create the perfect job and get paid well for it, what would it be?

3) What are you most fearful of? How does the fear keep you from doing things you would like to do?

4) What things about me remind you of anyone from your past, either past sweethearts or good friends?

Get started and make the time and effort. There is so much to be gained from it and absolutely nothing to lose.

Relationships can be sticky sometimes. Even with your spouse, you may not see eye-to-eye on everything. But what to do when you have a disagreement about something? You can avoid having a fight in favor of figuring out your differences and coming to a new and deeper understanding of your spouse or partner. Try empathy.

Empathy is one of the most important communication skills you can practice in any relationship. Empathy is a way to look at a situation from the other person’s perspective. But when you’re having a disagreement, sometimes that can be challenging.

Developed by Japanese school children and explained in the book, Looking Out Looking In by Ron Adler and Neil Towne, the Pillow Method is a unique perspective-taking and empathy-building exercise to try if you’re having a disagreement. Using the Pillow Method will help you to see your spouse’s point of view and likely avoid a heated argument.

There are five steps to achieving empathy using the Pillow Method:

Step 1: “I’m right, you’re wrong.” Consider that you are right and your spouse is wrong. This is the perspective we usually take, so it’s the obvious first step.

Step 2: “You’re right, I’m wrong.” Now take the opposite presumption. Presume you’re wrong and your spouse is right in this situation. Your goal is to find a way to understand how your spouse could behave in a way that you disagree with.

Step 3: “Both right, both wrong.” Find the commonalities and acknowledge the strengths and weaknesses of each position.

Step 4: “The issue isn’t as important as it seems.” Try not to get so wrapped up in a disagreement that over time will fade. This, too shall pass, so be aware of that and release some of the tension.

Step 5: “There is truth in all four perspectives.” Each of the above perspectives has its own truth. Once you look at a situation from each of these perspectives, you may not come to a point of agreement, but you will understand each other better. When you can understand your spouse better, often you can tolerate the position which will lead to an improvement in the communication climate in your relationship.

By following these simple steps you can avoid a heated argument, and end up feeling closer to your spouse. As you and your spouse practice this Pillow Method, over time you will enjoy the benefits of a stronger marriage.

Men and women communicate very differently. We have different goals, purposes and desired outcomes in our communication. The first step toward successful communication in any male/female relationship is to become aware of these differences and understand the gender based nature of the differences. Men and women talk two different languages as a general rule and without understanding, communication breakdown is inevitable.

WOMEN’S STYLE

Women want to feel safe. They want to understand their husband inside and out and be understood by them. A woman feels most comfortable with the style of communication she shares with her best girl friend. They want to sit down over coffee, toss their thoughts and feelings out on the table and look at them from every angle. A female values her girl friend’s perspective and understanding. She wants her opinions and thoughts on everything important, even though she isn’t necessarily going to take her advice. This form of communication between female friends makes a woman feel “understood” and “connected”. When a friend listens to them they feel cared about and loved. And a female is more than happy to return the favor. Problems arise in marriages when the woman expects the same kind of communication and closeness with their male partner, becoming angry and perplexed when their spouse would rather watch a football game than go for coffee with them.

MEN’S STYLE

But ladies, that isn’t how men feel comfortable communicating (again as a general rule). In fact, it makes them feel uncomfortable, exposed, and inadequate to have these deep, “sharing” conversations and they avoid it any way they can, by watching football for instance. When you want to “have a talk” and probe them about their feelings like you would a girlfriend, they instantly feel guilty and on the defensive. They don’t’ get it! They feel so uncomfortable they actually tend to withdraw putting more distance between you instead of bringing you closer.

Men see their relationships as their “home base”, a place to feel safe and relaxed. They’re happiest when they can sit and watch a football game while their spouse putters around in the kitchen or doing whatever it is they like to do. They feel loved. They feel close. The order and consistency of their marital relationship allows them to relax and feel safe. They don’t need to talk. What’s there to talk about? Everything is perfect! He has you!

DIFFERENCES

These differences in communication style when misunderstood can lead to a rift in a couple’s relationship. Men find themselves avoiding conversations because of the feelings of shame and guilt they elicit. Women feel the men don’t care enough about them to have a thoughtful, personal conversation. Each is frustrated by the others lack of understanding of who they are.

This is exactly the point where communication disasters can occur. Hard feelings and anger grow and a wedge is driven between the husband and wife. Therefore, it is extremely important that each work to understand and accept the other’s basic difference communication style and learn to work with it not against it.

SOLUTION

When wives begin to understand that their harmless “sharing” conversations make their husbands feel criticized and guilty, they can soften their approach. They need not give up something that makes them feel close; they just need to make it a little less threatening to their husbands. Begin conversations with by affirming your love for your husband and remind them the conversation is not meant as a criticism nor is anything expected in return. Understand your husband’s instinct to withdraw and turn away when he becomes uncomfortable and converse in small doses; ask for his attention for five minutes instead of thirty five. And remember he loves you, he just loves you differently.

Husbands also need to do their part in trying to understand their wives need for conversation, reminding themselves (even if they don’t understand it) that these conversations are not ever meant as criticism but are their wives way of feeling connected.

Far and away, the thing people complain about most in their relationship is “lack of communication.” What they are really saying is that they don’t feel truly known in ways that make them feel close, loved, christened. This is because most people don’t believe they can be known. In our secret heart of hearts we all fear that we are alone in the universe and that no one will really understand us. While of course it is true that no one can ever know us exactly, down to the marrow of our bones, we can be known to a surprisingly degree if we are willing to take the risk of revealing who we are.

Contrary to our myths and expectations, communication isn’t just talking, getting your own point across or being sure you’ve been heard. Far more than we might imagine, communication is also receptive. It is listening, taking in, absorbing, and allowing yourself to be changed by what has been said to you. Without listening, talking can be a one-sided enterprise, leaving the arch of communication incomplete. But when talking and listening occur, a conversation gains antiphony and both partners have the sense that they know occupy a common ground.

True communication, the kind we are all seeking, is a bonding of spirits. Through what we tell one another, we come to know how the person we love thinks, feels, and is likely to behave in any given circumstance. True communication is connecting at the level where the solitariness of individual boundaries is blurred and we know from the inside that we are in touch with the essence of the other.

This place of deep connection and interpersonal fulfillment doesn’t just happen. It is arrived at through the steady practice of the art of communication on the intellectual, sexual and emotional planes.

True communication takes courage. It requires a reaching beyond the trivial for the deeper truth of who you are and what you feel, and the willingness to take the risk of showing yourself to the other person. True communication is also receptive. It indicates that you love enough to be affected-moved, changed, enlarged, and transformed-by what you have heard.

Because in its quintessence communication has the capacity to bond us at the deepest, most unspoken levels, true communication is an interpersonal miracle. It allows us to get inside one another’s skins, and to know and be known truly by another human being. It is the means by which we throw open the windows of our souls to let the light of another soul shine in.